inside my head

want to know what's inside my head? well I'm not sure you'd like to know because I am positive I don't want to hear it out loud either.

I think some people may have done this. thinking things over and over and thinks it's better to keep it inside the head than blurt it out. they say some things are better left unsaid.

If given the chance to voice out what's on my mind. there would be chaos, hate! so I'd rather keep my mouth shut and keep whatever I'm thinking.

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english

It is so hard when I try to speak english. Its like me trying not speaking. I so love to learn conversational english but it seems so complicated. I feel I'm the king in the movie the kings speech. Even though I know by heart what I want to express no words come out my mouth. I think my brain messes it all up. It is so frustrating, I feel like crying all the time.

I think its not self confidence that I'm lack of. Its just me.

sleep

I can't seem to sleep when I have to. if I am sleepy I can't too. ☹ my body clock has to change somehow because it is affecting my little one big time. even though she wants to do something productive her mom is sleepy. & when she wants to sleep I want to do something I want but I can't since she wants me near her all the time. I know it's my fault, I'm guilty for making her get used to it, being with me all the time. I think I'm attached to her much! =b note to self: pls change!

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z fell

zhoe fell of the bed early this morning.. we were totally shocked about what happened. we were all awake. but my eyes were closed. she was kicking the whole time. but I wasn't thinking she would be able to somersault with the big pillow that was protecting her to fall. oh my!! bryann &i jumped when we heard a loud bang. I looked down zhoe was on the floor.. ): her face and body facing the floor. tragic! I will never close my eyes if she's awake. I hope I can do that all the time.

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cooking

I started to learn cooking & I love it. but it is so tiring when I can't concentrate because every time I start I end up doing lots of other things. tsk! I end up washing lots of pots,dishes and utensils. how sad!

the bad thing is my cooking gone to waste! I made this uber eeky soup. till my next try!

I think I will never be a cook. at least when I'm hungry I won't starve to death.

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songs of my life

it started with ___. shorty ur my NGEL,a match made in heaven. well sure is a one sided love that we all know it will only happen in heaven then I've met mr. MORE THAN WORDS it was short-lived but tWas still great. I got into the hands of mr. __ this one ended bad. I remember there was ISANG LINGGONG PAG-IBIG,literally ended after a week. glad I met my LA, LA LA MEANS I  YOU. tWas a happy relationship till someone came in. so there's mr. I COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE. that was a funny one because of a small misunderstanding it went down the drain & heard rumors of wedding bells. so finally I met the one - my prince charming, mr. YOUR LOVE & we are living a happy life.

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insomnia

zhoe & I have insomnia. I think I taught her a very bad habit! tsk!

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surveys

I've been wanting to work for work at home jobs but when I read about it online most of it were a scam. good thing bryann's co worker have tried 2 websites that actually works. it's the surveyhead.com and the springboardamerica.com. been trying it since last nite. I'm quite enjoying but it is really tiring coz u can't like skip to go to the restroom. u have to finish the survey that takes so long for 10cents. I'm not complaining coz it's not difficult. atleast I get to do something productive once my zhoe is sleeping. thank you lord for giving me the chance to have this online survey. if i can get even $20 for the whole month, I won't complain because I can provide wipes for my baby. in that way I can help my husband.

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missing someone

it's really hard when you are missing someone. it doesn't matter who you are missing, it might be a best friend or your own mother. i read somewhere that when you miss a person or missing something all you have to do is smile because that will take away what you are feeling. i've been smiling for a while. and i'm already tired now. hiding what i really feel. 

i miss home. i miss my mom. i miss my relatives. i miss my friends. i even miss the "taho guy" who passes by our place every morning. i've been here for almost 2 years now and this is the first time i will ever admit that i really do miss my so called life when i was still single. when i was still there in cebu. i am not complaining coz i am happy being married, its just that it's really different when you are in a foreign place. different environment. and no one to really talk to. well in the first place i chose to be a private person. i don't want anyone to really know how i feel. i don't want to be judge, i don't want other people to know i can be weak too. 

i am happy that i started posting blogs because in this way i can express what i am feeling and no one will care. i try everyday to be a change person but i always end up just the way i am. i tried but i guess i didn't try harder.

i want to shout to the world that i can be special like others. i want to tell the world that if it's ok to be me. i want to say things i never said. but i choose not to. i will remain silent. i am arguing now with myself. my mind is bugging me, my heart is beating fast. i should end this. 

changes

some changes has been happening for me and my family. 

1 is our network. true to the phrase, u cant have everything.. we decided to switch network.. from the expensive att to a cheaper simple mobile. we are excited to pay a lot cheaper for the next months but guess whats the catch.. i have no signal in some parts of the apt. good thing my husband has full bars at his work.

2 is i unlocked my phone. so i cant recv mms. what?! but i cant complain.. i must not complain. 

3 is we decided to rearrange our apt. its going quite (not sure about the spelling) well. but the place is a mess right now!!!! - thank God for the lower rent. now we don't have to transfer anywhere so we decided to make use of the apt. we want to call it home.. we want to put a homey feel. our touch, hopefully it will turn out well.. 

to be continued...

story.

I have this story. 
I find it so funny.
He said. She said. And that is that.
Misunderstandings.
Hurtful.
A cry.
He said. She said. And that is that.
Explanations.
Happiness.
A laughter.
Who would've thought.
He said. She said. And that is that.
The End. 

spice up your life!

God is spicing up our life.. i just thought about it awhile ago when i was talking to my mom. we we're discussing problems and heartaches.. and it just came to me that maybe God is spicing up our life. Because you see if you're at peace and you're not thinking of anything it's like the end of your life. I think that's the way to have a reason to live! a reason to fight. 

So every time a problem comes don't think it's a problem think of it as a challenge. Challenges makes us stronger and it makes us yearn to have a better future. We would want to live a life full of that, who wouldn't?

STUDYING

I started studying yesterday when zhoe was sleeping.. well not really studying the lesson but learning the strategies on how to answer the NCLEX-PN board exam. 

man, i realized i can't recall anything from way back when i was in school. it's completely gone.. all of it.. when i was trying to answer the sample questions i was just guessing all the answers.. guess i have to study everything all over again.. 

its really sad because if i were really serious in the first place about taking the board exam i would have really studied and kept everything in mind i would have passed the exam after i graduated.. well because i was too tired and too lazy to keep my promise to take the BE. well i can't blame anyone but myself. i just have to accept the fact that i have to start all over. 

i'm sure i will be able to recall if i just stay focus on my reading and hopefully have the guts to really take the exam and won't be stubborn to seek for help. i know it'll be long enough for me to accept that..

so for now.. i'll do what i love most.. READING! instead of fiction or romance novel, i'll be reading pn books, i think it'll be exciting.. 

PN

Well there goes my sign.. Thank you God. i will take my failure as a challenge. i know i can do it if it is your will. 


i also know that you know what is best for me. i will take it wholeheartedly. thanks Lord God, they said you won't get tired of listening, because i will never get tired of asking you to guide me. and beg you to be with me in my journey towards you.. 


you have given me this life to savor and make use of. but i think i haven't proven anything to you yet, i hope its not too late. 


Help me refresh my mind to the things i learned from way back when i was in school. if some people can do it i'll be able to do it too. 


i won't waste the chance my mom, brothers & husband has given me. i will make use of my time in a better way..


In this challenge.. i will not just do it for my family but i will do it for myself. so i can prove myself to you my God that i can do it. i will never feel pity to myself because you have created me well. 


thanks for the gift of life my God. You are our everything. 


i love you..  

job interview FAILED

failed!!! that is the word.. i had my chance but i blew it. oh well what can i do.. though i did have guts, i didn't get the glory after all!


i haven't felt so bad. i don't understand why i stammer every time i speak english.. if english was my first dialect i would have nailed that interview.. 


Maybe God has something else for me. i need to study my pn board exam. i would refresh my mind. hopefully it'll come naturally. 


give me the courage to stand up & still fight for whatever is left. to strive harder the next time.. 


though i failed this time. i still consider myself a good mother. 

job interview

i have a job interview tom. Jan 13, 2011 @ 10:30 am. I admit that i am really scared. i can't even sleep with a clear mind. i've been answering interview questions in my mind and everything went straight to how my life is right now. 

i'm not sure if i have forgiven the people that hurt me. i am not sure if i have forgotten the pain because it still affects me every time it crosses my mind. And it is not helping at all because it makes my heart hurt even more and that results to want to take revenge. Well not really literally.. it just makes me want to.

i just hope this job interview will turn out great. I will try my best and just leave it up to God. if this job is really meant for me everything will fall into place.